You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
