nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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