2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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