I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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