she woke up with a sticky ear
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Are my feet made of real feet?
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
