1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
