i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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