I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
