Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
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