sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
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