happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Randomize
