She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Randomize
