I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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