i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
