If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
