His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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