I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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