I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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