Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Randomize