If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
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