If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
