after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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