I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
