Pants 0. Shit 1.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
