I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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