one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Just took my morning after pill in the library
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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