Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Randomize
