Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
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