R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Randomize
