so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
