i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
