apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
The adults are the big ones right?
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize