I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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