I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Randomize
