No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
