I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Randomize
