watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
