I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Randomize