also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
