there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
