highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
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