i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
All I want is dick and wine.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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