we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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