I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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