This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Randomize
