It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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