Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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