her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Randomize
