Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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