you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
