I smell stomach acid.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
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