If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
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