you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
