I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Found the puke drawer
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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