The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
