I can't breathe out the right side of my face
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
